kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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