im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
