my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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