Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I need moral support for this bender
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
