The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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