im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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