My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
