apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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