I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
