I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
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