she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
