wrigley field is MILF paradise
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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