she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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