i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
