I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
