Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
