Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
