I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
