just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
