i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
