At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You ruined the universe
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
