The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
