so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I feel like death gave me a hand job
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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