bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
