You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
