Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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