Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
