The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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