it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Sober January is a disaster.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
