do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
