god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
