why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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