It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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