They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
