wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
