New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
