I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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