I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
