do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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