also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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