you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
