i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
