Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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