i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
