My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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