I'm so fucking centered right now
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Two words: nipple clamps
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