We're like a lot better than the average bears
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
