I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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