Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Is Oprah even human
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
