I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
