i love accidental penises.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I don't deserve a penis
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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