You just made me feel so damn special
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
