you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
